August 21st

I weighed in at 151.0 today. Deffinitely put a smile on my face :) I can't wait to be below 150 again, I can't believe I let that slip away. 147 was the lowest I had been in years. The only reason I gained the weight back is because the scale I had at the time was telling me I was 7 pounds lighter than I am. When I found out I wasn't 140 I was absolutely crushed. So instead of strengthening my resolve I gave up and ate like an idiot, everyday - all the time. I bought a new scale. The best one I could possibly find when I decided to get back into it. I'd like to be 130 soon.

So today for breakfast I had a small bowl of honey nut cheerios which added up to 300. Lunch I really don't know what I should do. I had a great plain salad yesterday but after I finished I got really sick and was on the toilet at work for 25 minutes. Sorry for that bit but I was making a point. The only other stuff they have there is pizza, breadsticks, and chicken wings. Wow I just had a good idea (it doesn't happen as often as I'd like). There's a safeway across the street I'll just pick up something low-cal from there. Probably soup.

I woke up so anxious today. I have an anxiety disorder, actually I have two but I just mash them into one. I got up and just wanted to cry and hide or find my mom. I still don't feel very good. I wish I could stay home. I learned that staying home because of anxiety is a horrible thing, even if your supposed to go to work. When I was at my worst I spent 3 months in my room because it was the only place I felt safe. I cried all day everyday. It's weird to think that was only a year ago. I've made a lot of progress since then.

I'm anxious about Saturday. The BBQ at the fiancees parents place. Its like a pig roast or some shit... I really don't want to see a dead pigs face. I'm not gonna eat any meat and I hope they don't think I'm odd (they're hunters and BIG meat eaters). I'll stick to different salads. I'm scared I'm gonna lose control and just binge in front of everyone...then I'll have to go purge and someone or everyone will hear me.

Well even though I want to hide under a rock I better get ready for work.