today is day 1 of a simple 2 day fast. I'm excited and relieved that I don't gave to eat today.

I am angry, sad and feeling really stupid. I have this 16 year old friend who got pregnant and since she told me I've been trying to help her and be there for her. Now I wish I didn't do any of those things.

My friend found saved conversations of her telling her friend how she wants to get pregnant so they can have babies together. She made me feel so bad for her and I spent money on her taking her out for stuff trying to cheer her up.

I'm never trusting anyone again. She practically turned me against two of my friends because they were being so mean. What I didn't know was that they knew about those conversations. I can't look them in the eye and I'm so sorry.

I'll never trust a friend again. I wouldn't let myself cry in front of people because then she won. She would have made me feel something that I didnt want to. Never again. I'm too strong for that.

I'm watching movies starring the most perfect woman in the world. Marilyn Monroe. Such inspiration

somethings wrong today. I look different. Bad different. Like 50 pounds all went to my face or something.

Yesterday I tried to eat a normal meal and not purge and I got so sick. My health is terrible. Im really down and I look disgusting. Why can't I just look good??? I don't get why I always think I'm getting close to getting somewhere with this and then I look in the mirror and I'm so fat and ugly that I can't control my terrible behavior.

Alright I'll say it. I'm awesome.

I've had a really good week. Ive been doing almost all liquid and it hasn't even bothered me. Now that I'm passed it I can finally say that I reached my first goal. 145 and I am now 144.6 I'm really proud of myself.

I'm reading this book called stick figure and its this girls diary from when she was 11 and anorexic. Its so interesting to read it from a kids point of view because they always talk so bluntly and the don't even realize it.

woo

145.9 today. I'm feeling really inspired today. Like I can't fail. I'm reading one of marilyn Monroe's biographys and its so heart breaking. I don't think she was ever happy. I'm dedicating all the weight I've lost and will continue to lose to the most perfect woman who ever lived. Miss Marilyn Monroe. I almost forgot to mention all the belts in my closet now have to be worn on the very first notch!!

anger

My internet is broken again. That really pisses me off. I'm at a friends place right now. I spent the night because I got pretty drunk. I had 6 grapefruit palm bays. Earlier that day I had a mini taco. I feel pretty empty and hung over right now. The empty thing is nice... hung over not so much. I haven't weighed myself today because I'm here not home and the scale here is like 10 years old and always has things on it so I'm sure it probably wouldn't be accurate.

I had a really nice work out yesterday. It was short because I haven't had a work out in a long time but I did 10 minutes on the eliptical, 5 minutes on the bike (I want a nice butt, mine is very very flat), 5 minutes doing crunches, and only one set of 10 on this weight machine thing for my arms. That one was pretty intense so I'm just gonna try to build up my strength without straining myself lol. I'm hoping to do it again today and more if I don't feel so weak this time. It will more than likely end up coming out the same though because I'm so hung over.

The fiancee and I are back into trouble. We aren't getting along at all. Why can't we just be made for each other?? He invited me to come over today but unless he texts or calls I'm not gonna go. We had a fight last night (again) and as much as it got me thinking I think it got to him too. I left in a huff and usually he would yell at me out the door but yesterday he started and then just gave up. I don't really know what that means but I guess i'll have to wait and see.

The friends I was drinking with yesterday are mutual friends of ours and one of the people I know best in the group told me that if we broke up he would take my fiancees side. That hurt. I appreciate the honesty though. I think everyone in this house would do the same thing but are too much of pussy's to say anything. They are all supposed to move in together at the end of the month. So basically if he breaks up with me I'm never gonna see that close group of people. I think I'm going to have to start looking for a new social network to soften that blow. Or maybe I shouldn't and just stay alone for awhile so I can focus on my weight loss goals. I just want all my fucking fat gone.

I'm 146.1 today. Its going really well and really easy. I'm actually almost at my first goal . I feel so good about myself right now.

i finally don't suck

148.7 today. I'm really excited to not be fat. The last few days have been hard work but it's really worth it. I forgot how naturally it comes when you get into the swing of things.

i almost forgot

Yesterday at work there was cake and pizza. I didn't feel tempted at all.

When I woke up yesterday I weighed in at 150.5 I know it's terrible but I'm really getting back on track. Today when I woke up I weight 149.5 .  Once I'm passed 147 I'll know that I can do this. C'mon girl where's the support of the skinniest bitches I know? LOL

close call

So I didn't eat anything until 8ish. I ended up eating then purging a chicken burger. I have this weird new ability to force vomit without using my fingers. A bulimics dream really.

The only reason I ate the burger instead of the soup I planned was because I  locked myself out of the house and my parents didn't get home until 45 minutes ago. I went out with friends to the bar. When my mom called I was just finishing my food so I said I had to go and went home. With a stop first. I stopped at the gas station to purge. I left and was almost to my car when I saw this guy that I'm really good friends with and I see almost everyday. We also dated for 3 years and back then I wasn't exactly bulimic but I had bulimic tendencies so he isn't dumb. I left the gas station with nothing. And my car wasn't at the pumps. I'm really paranoid that he knows what I was doing. I guess it doesn't really matter if he does or not...

I guess today was a good day because I purged everything I ate, which was the chicken thing. :-S why can't I stop purging and just stop eating? I hate being weak.

alright then

My plan for the day is to basically float through the day and only have dinner (which is soup). I'm not 100% I can do that because work today is going to be insane. I'm either gonna get a 100 calories yoghurt to put on top of that or some other random 100 calories snack...probably not yoghurt considering my lactose issues.

Wish me luck!

omfg!!!!

So it just dawned on me that Halloween isn't that far away. That being said I am going to be DOWN at LEAST 10 pounds by then. I'm really excited because now I have a reason and I know now that i'll lose it. I'm in the best freaking mood. I don't wanna look super slutty or anything for halloween but I deffinitely wanna look good, great, amazing! I would prefer 20 but I want to be realistic so at most by then I could do would probably 15. I am not eating anymore. Another GREAT motivator is that I'm lactose intolerant. Severly. I found that out the other day. It's just developed over a period of time. I had some cheese today and got violently ill. So now I'm just gonna keep thinking like....how do you know there isn't dairy in that??

Yay I'm so excited and happy!!! I Love Life right now :)

Wonnder whats up

I have no idea what we're doing tonight. It's our anniversary. Knowing the fiancee....sadly nothing. He'll have worked all day and will wanna go to sleep. I have no money so I made him all these corny gifts like love coupons.

The one thing he will wanna do is eat dinner.....uuugggghhh. We talked the other day about how I don't like how he treats my ED. Like I could stop at any time but I just don't. Everyone knows that's not true. He was really understanding this time and said Ok well I'm here when you Want to talk about it but I'm not gonna push. I told him I don't wanna go back to councelling and he promised I didn't have to. Either he is trying to be really understanding or he really wanted to get back with me and said a bunch of bull. Only time will tell I guess.

Alright I'm ready to give details.

Alright so the fiancee came over that day and we started talking about moving in together because I was supposed to move in the day after that. He wanted me to clean, paint, and move in in one day. I told him that was stupid and then we just started screaming at each other. I was really mad so I told him to get the fuck out of my house. Right before he left he said "we're done" and something about my self-loathing or whatever but I just ignored that.

Over the past 3 days he's been calling non stop because he wants to talk so I decided to go over there yesterday because ending a year with someone over yelling really sucks. My intention was to say goodbye but we ended up getting back together. I made myself known though. I told him there's no way I'm coming back to the same stuff and he promised he would compromise on the stuff I need. He's one of those big strong guys who don't really express feeling but after I told him I'd give it another try he hugged me so tight and told me he loves me more than anyone he's ever loved. I got all warm and fuzzy.

After thinking I wanted to dump him for the past few weeks and then we finally had it out it was weird when I was yearning for him. The guy bugs me sometimes but I really do love him.

Our 1 year anniversery is tomorrow. I don't have any money so I'm gonna bake him cookies. Hopefully I don't eat any.