Today was a bowl of soup, big bowl of salad, and maybe a 100 calorie yoghurt later.

updizzle

Alright this will be a good update. Since ex fiancee and I broke up I've basically been fine but he keeps trying to get me back. Last night I was hammered and broke down and decided to let him give me a ride home from a party. Only we ended up going to his house. Long story short while we're fooling around I had to ask 'so have you slept with anyone since we broke up?' He said yes. I absolutely flipped out. Made him take me home. Now he wants to talk to me tomorrow and I don't want to see him but he's being really persistant.

Right when he said that he slept with someone else all I could think was 'I bet she was thin and pretty'. He's gonna feel like an idiot because I'm on my way to dropping another 10 pounds and he'll be kicking himself even more. Losing 10 pounds of spite weight is gonna be nice.

Today I had a bowl of spaghetti and half a pomegranite. I'm sure the spaghetti was loaded with shitty calories but I'm not having anything else besides water today.

It sucks I can't work out today and probably not for a few days. My back went out at work today. I've never had back issues before and it's just so painful. Need to get better soon so I can get back on the eliptical machine.

Fast tomorrow. No exceptions. I'm too sad to eat.

it's been a while for sure

Well I broke up with the fiancee for good this time. Know how I know? Theres a new boy in the picture. He's so nice...maybe too nice. Not sure yet but anyway. He is soooo hot. He's like man pretty. He's like art or something. He's real skinny though. I usually go for fat guys. I'm giving this skinny guy a chance though. Do you know how motivating it is to be with someone who's smaller than you? I've been to the gym loads and I'm going again tonight.

My eating has been shit lately just always hovering between 139 and 143. I really want to lose loads more now, and fast. I'm going to. Wish me luck. I've missed blogging and reading blogs. <3 you girls

Update

So i've been 139 for a while now. I hit a goal and then got comfy. NEXT PLEASE! I'm gonna go for 135. Start a fast tomorrow. I'm thinking just a 2 day because for some reason at the end of a 3 day I feel really sick. So i'll do a 2 day fast, then a light food day and another 2 day fast and hopefully that'll do it. Wish me luck on that front.

So I'm friends with this girl and she's 16 and she's like 10 pounds heavier than me and i've gotten her totally obsessed with weight too. I decided I'm not gonna talk to her about it anymore. It's not fair that I get her into this life. I feel really bad about it actually. Plus she's just SO immature. I can't deal with trying to have this adult lifestyle and adult problems and then she has this 12 year old attitude and I'm like OMG what am I doing with this girl ?

My mom jokingly said she wants me to move out. I don't think that's a joke. I feel terrible. I think I'm going to go on disability because of my anxiety :( I can't do ANYTHING. So I'm gonna have to move into a shit hole :'( without my mama... but at least I wont have any food.

!!!!!!!!MOMENTUS

I saw 139.9 today. Now I know I can do it. It almost feels easy. So excited for life right now

sad

I made 6 batches of cookies today. My intake was 3 and a half cookies and half a glass of milk. I made a ton of cookies to bring to my fiancees place tomorrow for halloween.

The more I think about us the more I know we aren't gonna work out and now I'm more depressed than ever. I'm gonna try to make halloween really fun for both of us. Then I'm gonna see if he has time to talk on sunday. I'm nervous and sad and scared. I'm gonna try not to drink tomorrow too. He doesn't like when I drink. I just feel sooo lost right now. what can I do???

So the lowest I got from the fast was 140. I wanted it to be 139. I think I'm gonna do a series of 2 day fast for the next few weeks. 3 days spikes my anxiety and I almost confessed what I was doing to my mom. It was rediculous.

Day 3 was a success. So tomorrow is just a juice and soup day then friday it will be a light food day. Saturday who freaking knows cuz i'm gonna be drunk lol. Monday I'm gonna see if I can start all over again. I HOPE soooooo much that I'm 139 tomorrow. FINGERS CROSSED

I failed at day 2. I ate dinner and ice cream. Trying again tomorrow.

Luck

Fasting went well yesterday and hopefully today too. I just have to keep busy. I'm gonna have a shower and practice sexy hair for my cowgirl costume. Then I'm gonna go to the mall and get on the wait list for an H1N1 vaccine. Since I have asthma I could apparently actually die if I get it. That would be really...lame. I'll probably bum around there for a bit and scope out places to apply for a job. Wish me luck on all aspects today!

Oh I almost forgot. I'm 141 today :) Can't wait to be out of the 140s and that could be tomorrow!!!!

Yesterday was terrible but I fasted today. I want to fast for another two days and I have a good friend on bored with it. I just showed her what kind of health benefits can come from fasting and she was ready to go. It's nice having a person I know do it with me.

So I'm pretty crushed right now. Last night I absently asked my fiancee "Do you still want to marry me?" and he replied "I don't Want to marry anyone, I just know you want to so I will, I guess" . I just can't marry someone who doesn't want to marry me, and if I know it wont end in marriage there's no point in continuing on. I'm gonna talk to him about this the next time I see him and I really think we're gonna end up breaking up.

It's really easy to not eat when your so so sad.

woah

Yesterday I had 2 mandarin oranges and a granola bar. I used the rest of yesterdays calories on alcohol. That was a mistake. I woke up in the middle of the night in so so so so much pain. I have no idea what it was just my insides are sore. I puked twice this morning and have had like 4 BM's. In that way it's not terrible I guess. I was 142.9 when I was well enough to get on the scale. That was after I had water and a few soda crackers so I might even be less who knows. So I guess yesterday was a success but I don't know how I'm even gonna think about drinking on halloween. It's gonna be a 500 calorie day for me and I was gonna use them all on booze lol but now I see that is a terrible idea. I'll have to think of a new game plan. Suggestions?

start

I just got up its 10 30. I'm gonna have 3 mandarin oranges for breakfast which is about 96 calories. Probably gonna have 2 rice cakes for lunch which is 90 calories which is about 186 calories. So for dinner I have 314 calories to use. Dinner / night time is my hardest time so I think this is a pretty good plan until I start feeling empty again. After that it should be smooth sailing. I don't like letting that feeling go. It's usually some other reason that makes me eat. Parents, Friends, Anxiety- that kind of thing.

I wish my anxiety didn't stand in my way. I get in a really good streak and then I get really dizzy and it sets off my anxiety. A big problem is if I go to counselling for the anxiety I would unintentionally get brain washed into thinking I may be overweight but I have a beautiful soul or some crap. I don't want to think that because I know it isn't true. So for now losing weight and anxiety go hand in hand for me and I hate it.

It's my best friends birthday today. She'll want me to come out and drink but theres no way that's gonna happen. Seeing 145 terrified me. I'm pretty sure the 3 lbs I've been going back and forth on is water weight. It goes up on slightest thing and down in the same way. So I need to get to 141-140. That will be real weight loss. Last week I did see 141. That's when I was doing well. I really wanna hit myself for fucking that up. I could've been 139 like 2 days after that but I got happy and ate instead. I always feel so guilty and out of control when I eat. I don't even taste anything, I just shovel it in. I don't like those bad feelings and there is a really easy way to not have them. DON'T EAT!

I have to clean the house today. My parents have been out of town and it's a bit messy as well as being covered in dog fur and my mom absolutely goes crazy over it so i'll be a good little girl and clean it up. Then I plan on spending the rest of the night in my room. Probably on the computer or reading. I notice when I'm in my room I'm a lot less tempted to eat but when I'm alone I Have to be in the living room- it's weird. A comfortability thing I guess.

Well I'm off to start the day!

Fat fatty fat fat fat

I've been eating non stop for two days. I've been stress eating. My car broke down in front of wal mart and it wont move. I had to get it towed away. I rely on my car for my job and I'm up to my neck in bills. Hence- stress eating.

I'm going on the ABC diet tomorrow. If I fail one day I'm just gonna continue on like that day never happened. I don't want to discourage myself in any way and I just want to be skinny. Halloween is just around the corner and I want to look hot in my costume. That was my original motivation that got me out of the 150s. *SIGH* Hopefully it'll work again.

I have such a big problem. I have a HUGE crush on my fiancees good friend/room mate. I think he might like me too. Seems like he's everything I might want. :'( not gonna persue it at all but part of me wants to and I'm sad.

Got down to 141. I bet i'll have gained everything back by tomorrow. I've been eating normally...or even a lot. I'm gross and I hate it.

I for sure lose weight top to bottom. I'm 142 and I can see bones in chest as well as my colas bones protruding a lot. I love it so much. If that isnt motivation what is??? I'm extatic!!!

K. So. That was lame.

Birthday and Thanksgiving fucked everything up. Gained 3 pounds. I just finished losing those pounds but I'm obviously not happy because I shouldn't have let myself gain them in the first place. Back to 143. I feel like I'm never gonna get out of the 140's I'm so discouraged.

Today i've had a coffee and a diet coke. It's 7:00 here so I hope I don't binge at the last second like I did last night. It was a smallish binge and I got like 90% of it up but still. If I hadn't done that I know I would've been 142 this morning.

Sorry I haven't posted in so long btw. My computer is broken and I'm waiting for it to be fixed. I'm on the fiancees computer right now so I should finish up for now.

Love to all of you!

happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to me. I'm still a dumb fatty. Happy birthday to me.

All I want this birthday is someone I can text who understands. It helps when I'm in an appetite crisis. A serious person from Canada or who can text outside the U.S. Fuck I dont wanna be 20 and fat. At least I know I won't be fat when I turn 21

I need to move out. My mom knowing something is making me so paranoid. I just keep eating ant purging to see if she'll stop acting so suspicous... She hasn't and now I'm fatter. What joy. Its making me so so sick because I hardly eat and when I do I purge it up. Its fucking up my body. J dont know where to move or with who. There's always the fiancée but I still want to wait untill our other friends do so j can see if that works out or not. What do I do??? Plz help

oh no. Oh fucking no. I was having a panick attack last night and my mom was trying to calm me down. She said " I know you've been going through a lot. I know everything even though you think I dont." then she said we're gonna talk today.

I ate today. A lot. A burger and fries for lunch and yam fries for dinner. For some fucked up reason I didnt purge any of it. I worked out reAlly hardcore today twice tho so I hope I'm good. In hoping and praying I'm retaining water cuz I weighed myself ( at the end of the night) and I was 147. Fucked up.

I really NEED a texting buddy. Really badly. Let me know if your interested.

2 day binge

I have to post my shame. Last night I had a fish burger and salad then the fiancée ordered pizza and a mud pie and I ate half of both. The night before that was my birthday dinner and I had baked wpaghetty with meatballs, as well as Brie and garlic on a french roll. Then, of course, cake.

That was my 2 day binge of shame. The shittiest part of it was I JUST hit 142. Lowest weight yet and I just decide to eat like a mainiac. Can someone give me some advice or words of wisdom. What I would really love is for someone to call me fat and disgusting and anything else they can think of. I mean it.

today is day 1 of a simple 2 day fast. I'm excited and relieved that I don't gave to eat today.

I am angry, sad and feeling really stupid. I have this 16 year old friend who got pregnant and since she told me I've been trying to help her and be there for her. Now I wish I didn't do any of those things.

My friend found saved conversations of her telling her friend how she wants to get pregnant so they can have babies together. She made me feel so bad for her and I spent money on her taking her out for stuff trying to cheer her up.

I'm never trusting anyone again. She practically turned me against two of my friends because they were being so mean. What I didn't know was that they knew about those conversations. I can't look them in the eye and I'm so sorry.

I'll never trust a friend again. I wouldn't let myself cry in front of people because then she won. She would have made me feel something that I didnt want to. Never again. I'm too strong for that.

I'm watching movies starring the most perfect woman in the world. Marilyn Monroe. Such inspiration

somethings wrong today. I look different. Bad different. Like 50 pounds all went to my face or something.

Yesterday I tried to eat a normal meal and not purge and I got so sick. My health is terrible. Im really down and I look disgusting. Why can't I just look good??? I don't get why I always think I'm getting close to getting somewhere with this and then I look in the mirror and I'm so fat and ugly that I can't control my terrible behavior.

Alright I'll say it. I'm awesome.

I've had a really good week. Ive been doing almost all liquid and it hasn't even bothered me. Now that I'm passed it I can finally say that I reached my first goal. 145 and I am now 144.6 I'm really proud of myself.

I'm reading this book called stick figure and its this girls diary from when she was 11 and anorexic. Its so interesting to read it from a kids point of view because they always talk so bluntly and the don't even realize it.

woo

145.9 today. I'm feeling really inspired today. Like I can't fail. I'm reading one of marilyn Monroe's biographys and its so heart breaking. I don't think she was ever happy. I'm dedicating all the weight I've lost and will continue to lose to the most perfect woman who ever lived. Miss Marilyn Monroe. I almost forgot to mention all the belts in my closet now have to be worn on the very first notch!!

anger

My internet is broken again. That really pisses me off. I'm at a friends place right now. I spent the night because I got pretty drunk. I had 6 grapefruit palm bays. Earlier that day I had a mini taco. I feel pretty empty and hung over right now. The empty thing is nice... hung over not so much. I haven't weighed myself today because I'm here not home and the scale here is like 10 years old and always has things on it so I'm sure it probably wouldn't be accurate.

I had a really nice work out yesterday. It was short because I haven't had a work out in a long time but I did 10 minutes on the eliptical, 5 minutes on the bike (I want a nice butt, mine is very very flat), 5 minutes doing crunches, and only one set of 10 on this weight machine thing for my arms. That one was pretty intense so I'm just gonna try to build up my strength without straining myself lol. I'm hoping to do it again today and more if I don't feel so weak this time. It will more than likely end up coming out the same though because I'm so hung over.

The fiancee and I are back into trouble. We aren't getting along at all. Why can't we just be made for each other?? He invited me to come over today but unless he texts or calls I'm not gonna go. We had a fight last night (again) and as much as it got me thinking I think it got to him too. I left in a huff and usually he would yell at me out the door but yesterday he started and then just gave up. I don't really know what that means but I guess i'll have to wait and see.

The friends I was drinking with yesterday are mutual friends of ours and one of the people I know best in the group told me that if we broke up he would take my fiancees side. That hurt. I appreciate the honesty though. I think everyone in this house would do the same thing but are too much of pussy's to say anything. They are all supposed to move in together at the end of the month. So basically if he breaks up with me I'm never gonna see that close group of people. I think I'm going to have to start looking for a new social network to soften that blow. Or maybe I shouldn't and just stay alone for awhile so I can focus on my weight loss goals. I just want all my fucking fat gone.

I'm 146.1 today. Its going really well and really easy. I'm actually almost at my first goal . I feel so good about myself right now.

i finally don't suck

148.7 today. I'm really excited to not be fat. The last few days have been hard work but it's really worth it. I forgot how naturally it comes when you get into the swing of things.

i almost forgot

Yesterday at work there was cake and pizza. I didn't feel tempted at all.

When I woke up yesterday I weighed in at 150.5 I know it's terrible but I'm really getting back on track. Today when I woke up I weight 149.5 .  Once I'm passed 147 I'll know that I can do this. C'mon girl where's the support of the skinniest bitches I know? LOL

close call

So I didn't eat anything until 8ish. I ended up eating then purging a chicken burger. I have this weird new ability to force vomit without using my fingers. A bulimics dream really.

The only reason I ate the burger instead of the soup I planned was because I  locked myself out of the house and my parents didn't get home until 45 minutes ago. I went out with friends to the bar. When my mom called I was just finishing my food so I said I had to go and went home. With a stop first. I stopped at the gas station to purge. I left and was almost to my car when I saw this guy that I'm really good friends with and I see almost everyday. We also dated for 3 years and back then I wasn't exactly bulimic but I had bulimic tendencies so he isn't dumb. I left the gas station with nothing. And my car wasn't at the pumps. I'm really paranoid that he knows what I was doing. I guess it doesn't really matter if he does or not...

I guess today was a good day because I purged everything I ate, which was the chicken thing. :-S why can't I stop purging and just stop eating? I hate being weak.

alright then

My plan for the day is to basically float through the day and only have dinner (which is soup). I'm not 100% I can do that because work today is going to be insane. I'm either gonna get a 100 calories yoghurt to put on top of that or some other random 100 calories snack...probably not yoghurt considering my lactose issues.

Wish me luck!

omfg!!!!

So it just dawned on me that Halloween isn't that far away. That being said I am going to be DOWN at LEAST 10 pounds by then. I'm really excited because now I have a reason and I know now that i'll lose it. I'm in the best freaking mood. I don't wanna look super slutty or anything for halloween but I deffinitely wanna look good, great, amazing! I would prefer 20 but I want to be realistic so at most by then I could do would probably 15. I am not eating anymore. Another GREAT motivator is that I'm lactose intolerant. Severly. I found that out the other day. It's just developed over a period of time. I had some cheese today and got violently ill. So now I'm just gonna keep thinking like....how do you know there isn't dairy in that??

Yay I'm so excited and happy!!! I Love Life right now :)

Wonnder whats up

I have no idea what we're doing tonight. It's our anniversary. Knowing the fiancee....sadly nothing. He'll have worked all day and will wanna go to sleep. I have no money so I made him all these corny gifts like love coupons.

The one thing he will wanna do is eat dinner.....uuugggghhh. We talked the other day about how I don't like how he treats my ED. Like I could stop at any time but I just don't. Everyone knows that's not true. He was really understanding this time and said Ok well I'm here when you Want to talk about it but I'm not gonna push. I told him I don't wanna go back to councelling and he promised I didn't have to. Either he is trying to be really understanding or he really wanted to get back with me and said a bunch of bull. Only time will tell I guess.

Alright I'm ready to give details.

Alright so the fiancee came over that day and we started talking about moving in together because I was supposed to move in the day after that. He wanted me to clean, paint, and move in in one day. I told him that was stupid and then we just started screaming at each other. I was really mad so I told him to get the fuck out of my house. Right before he left he said "we're done" and something about my self-loathing or whatever but I just ignored that.

Over the past 3 days he's been calling non stop because he wants to talk so I decided to go over there yesterday because ending a year with someone over yelling really sucks. My intention was to say goodbye but we ended up getting back together. I made myself known though. I told him there's no way I'm coming back to the same stuff and he promised he would compromise on the stuff I need. He's one of those big strong guys who don't really express feeling but after I told him I'd give it another try he hugged me so tight and told me he loves me more than anyone he's ever loved. I got all warm and fuzzy.

After thinking I wanted to dump him for the past few weeks and then we finally had it out it was weird when I was yearning for him. The guy bugs me sometimes but I really do love him.

Our 1 year anniversery is tomorrow. I don't have any money so I'm gonna bake him cookies. Hopefully I don't eat any.

today

I'm completely broken but at least I'm not hungry.

I don't know why I'm surprised.

He dumped me.

I wish my shadow wasn't such a fatass

My started terribly. I felt feverish and vomited at work. About half an hour after that though I felt alright...it was weird.

After work I went out with some friends to the bar. I had 3 vodka and cranberry juice's. I had an iced coffee for breakfast (oh the calories!) and I wont even say the rest. I'm ravenous right now but it's 11:30 if I ate now I would have to purge it all up and plus I would have terrible nightmares.

Tomorrow me and the fiancee are having an alone night to watch movies and have dinner, BARF (literally). I think this will be the week we will break up. Not that things aren't going well but I realized that when it comes down to it I really could live without him. He thinks we're getting married whereas I know that some point down the road it's going to end before that. I feel like I shouldn't keep it going any longer if I have no intention of marrying him. It would be selfish not to, I do love him but he also makes me miserable.

I want to be single sometimes. Single and light as a feather.

I'm feeling a bit better (thank goodness)

My mom went to the store to pick up the meds the doctor prescribed for my dizziness. For some reason he gave me an non drowst anti histimine. Either way it's helped a little.

I feel fucking huge today. I'm having my period (for the second time this month????) and I'm so bloated and retaining soooo much water. I'm 2 pounds heavier than I usually am. But when it comes to my periods and things when it's over i'll be 4 pounds lighter so it's ok lol. Ya I lose 2 pounds after almost every period. It's like everything catches up with me, it's weird...but good. I just feel like Fatty McFatAss right now and it sucks.

So I don't know why but I wanted to share my favorite thinspo video with you girls.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6rpbLJ6FXY8 . I not only love the pictures but I LOVE the song. The way the music and the pictures line up is awesome. I downloaded the song and when I listen to it in my car I automatically invision the pictures along with the music. What are some of your guys' favorite thinspo video's or songs? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4gWl8aKVClM  I love this one too. More for the song. it just.Fits. "Look closer, are you like meeee? are you uglyy?"

So as for the dizzys and whatnot I don't think that's from ana because I haven't been restricting the last two days, especially not today because of the sevarity of the way I was feeling. I really thought eating would fix it but I should know by now that eating doesn't fix jack shit!

seriously WTF

I'm so dizzy. I've been dizzy for days, weeks, and almost months. I'm sick of it and it's getting worse. While I was sitting in the bath being extremely dizzy I ran my hand through my hair and another huge clump came out. Over and over again clump after clump. I'm scared. I don't know what's happening to me but I don't like it. If this is because of coming off the antidepressants I'm never going back on them because this is HELL. All the dizziness is making my anxiety come out terribly. Plus I'm having my period and I'm so bloated that my stomach is looking pregnant. Getting through work today was so hard.

I know this is getting somewhat off track about the food and the ED but it's hard to focus on it right now. With all these symptoms and the anxiety I can barely think about anything else. As soon as these symptoms get dealt with I will be back to my food calculating self.

The Talk

So we talked, and talked, and talked. Got through a lot of shit and I think we're better for it. I'm supposed to move in on the weekend. I'm still so afraid we're making a terrible mistake.I'm afraid that I'm not ready to leave home. It makes me really anxious and I want to panick. I have to remember to breeeeeath. So what should I do? If I tell him I don't want to move in it will lead to us breaking up...I don't even know if that's a bad idea which makes it so much scarier. If I can live without him why the fuck am I moving in with him and planning to marry him? Because break-ups are hard? I'm such an idiot.

Todays intake was not terrible today. Breakfast was a piece of bread with nutella, lunch was mixed berries, and dinner was a bit of pasta, yes pasta. I didn't get to my bike today because I went to the fiancees place right after work. Will tomorrow though.

I'm having this problem where I get really dizzy and lethargick. I thought it was because I'm getting off my pills but then I realized I had to take time off work about 3 months ago because I was having inner ear problems that were making me really dizzy and sick. I think I may need a catscan or something. Either way I'm going to the doctor as soon as I can. Wish me luck on all of those thing and if you have any advice about the fiancee even if it's harsh. You guys are awesome. Thank you for all the other comments by the way/

wooooooooo

So I went on my first bike ride and OMG that thing kicked my ass! I got home and thought I was going to die or something. Just shows how out of shape and horrible I really am. At least I'm starting and I'm gonna be in beautiful shape.I need to learn how to use my gears and such properly as well. I'm 19 and I haven't ridden a bike since I was 11.

So I invited to fiancee over tonight he said "I can probably do that" at 6:30 he was supposed to be here. I texted and called but didn't hear from him until 8:30. I'm so mad right now. We had it out and I called him an asshole and told him he was unbelievable because he didn't call to say he wasn't coming. He thinks that if he doesn't show up by 6:30 then that means I should assume he wasn't coming. See now that would have been fine if he had said that BEFORE hand. He didn't I waited there with my parents for half an hour after we were supposed to have dinner. I don't know what's worse me feeling like he's an asshole or my parents feeling like he's an asshole. Am I wrong to be reacting this way??

Good Buy

I went to the mall today with my mom. I had a great idea of an impulse purchase. A bike. I am now the proud owner of a cute pink bike and it's gong to be a great work out. I'm really excited about it.

mmmmmmmok?

It went ok yesterday. I got to leave early from work and get all dressed up. I said hi to everyone and had a small plate of salad and then said I didn't feel well and went home.

Despite my success yesterday today has been terrible! My parents made this big breakfast and make a huge deal about us eating together. That was egg, half peice of toast, 2 strips of bacon (its getting obvious I didn't make my own plate), hashbrown and a bunch of fruit. mmmmm fruit. Then today I went shopping with my friend two towns over and after that she wanted McDonalds, well guess who else decided to partake?? FML people. Then about 3 hours ago I had a thick slice of home made bread with nutella on it. WTF is wrong with me today.

I want to make tomorrow a fast day but that means staying in and being bored. See that's how it is with me and nice weather. I can fast in the winter no problem cuz all I want to do is stay in bed anyway. I mean I wouldn't be working out but I wouldn't be eating either. Definitely where my biggest success happens.

So I have a non E-D related problem. I have this friend who flirts with me constantly. He's HOT I like him and I know he likes me. The problem? I'm engaged! I love him but I'm always asking myself if he's really the love of my life. We do things so completely opposite. I mean he can be bizarre sometimes. I don't want to break up with him but I find the attraction to the other guy (a mutual Good friend I might add) is getting stronger and stronger.

Me and the fiancee have so many problems and half the time I feel like I know it wont last and I should just break up with him. Is this cold feet? Am I trying to create a problem so I can run away from the one person who knows the extent of all of my issues (yes, he knows ALL about the ED). I just feel like there are so many reasons that I'm pushing him away and then so many legitimate reasons that I should break up with him. I'm not really sure what to do here.

So tired.

Work today was hell. It was busy from the moment we opened til when I left. It sucks because I usually have two hours to prep the food but today I had nothing. My supervisor was so sick he was vomiting every 5 minutes and when he wasn't puking he was dry heaving over the garbage can. It was such a stressful day I'm glad it's over. I can only hope hope HOPE that tomorrow isn't the same way. If it is I don't know if i'll make it to the BBQ. Too much stress and so busy it makes me just bagged.

Today I had a nice small breakfast but lunch ended up being 600 calories. No dinner for me tonight so that leaves my intake at 900 calories. Not bad considering I tend to stress eat and today was one of those days for sure. I've been off work for 2 and a half hours but it feels like only 15 minutes everything hurts.

Please let tomorrow be better. Everyone cross your fingers for me!

August 21st

I weighed in at 151.0 today. Deffinitely put a smile on my face :) I can't wait to be below 150 again, I can't believe I let that slip away. 147 was the lowest I had been in years. The only reason I gained the weight back is because the scale I had at the time was telling me I was 7 pounds lighter than I am. When I found out I wasn't 140 I was absolutely crushed. So instead of strengthening my resolve I gave up and ate like an idiot, everyday - all the time. I bought a new scale. The best one I could possibly find when I decided to get back into it. I'd like to be 130 soon.

So today for breakfast I had a small bowl of honey nut cheerios which added up to 300. Lunch I really don't know what I should do. I had a great plain salad yesterday but after I finished I got really sick and was on the toilet at work for 25 minutes. Sorry for that bit but I was making a point. The only other stuff they have there is pizza, breadsticks, and chicken wings. Wow I just had a good idea (it doesn't happen as often as I'd like). There's a safeway across the street I'll just pick up something low-cal from there. Probably soup.

I woke up so anxious today. I have an anxiety disorder, actually I have two but I just mash them into one. I got up and just wanted to cry and hide or find my mom. I still don't feel very good. I wish I could stay home. I learned that staying home because of anxiety is a horrible thing, even if your supposed to go to work. When I was at my worst I spent 3 months in my room because it was the only place I felt safe. I cried all day everyday. It's weird to think that was only a year ago. I've made a lot of progress since then.

I'm anxious about Saturday. The BBQ at the fiancees parents place. Its like a pig roast or some shit... I really don't want to see a dead pigs face. I'm not gonna eat any meat and I hope they don't think I'm odd (they're hunters and BIG meat eaters). I'll stick to different salads. I'm scared I'm gonna lose control and just binge in front of everyone...then I'll have to go purge and someone or everyone will hear me.

Well even though I want to hide under a rock I better get ready for work.

Thumbs Down or Thumbs Up?

I fail at not purging. I had the breakfast I wanted and the lunch I wanted and for no good reason at all I ate an entire box of kraft dinner for supper. I purged it up. Does that make it a good day cuz i technically only ate 2 meals or bad because I want to stop purging and I failed?

I went to the fiancees place after work. He forgot I was coming over. He was working on the plumbing. We ended up just having sex and then I left. Fuck. We've been spending way too little tie together and we both know it but we're both sooo busy it sucks. This saturday when I get off work (at 7pm) we're going to a BBQ at his parents house. I'm gonna be so tired but I have sunday off so hopefully we can stay up late together and maybe watch a movie when we get back.

It's our one year anniversary on sept 2nd and I have no idea what to get him. I know I want to get him something he would love and really have fun with but I have no idea what that would be (you know your a good fiancee WHEN lol). I got one of his friends to like be sneaky and ninja ask him about things that he wants lol.

What I would really like to give him is a perfect fiancee but I'm too fat, snippy, quick tempered, ugly, depressed, not fun, not funny, and too critical of myself! Who isn't though?

I love being able to let it all out here. I don't have to be afraid of what someone might say lol.

Thank you for the good hair tips Lina I'm deffinitely going to try that.

less than glamorous

I really hate that my hair is falling out. In big clumps when I shower and when I brush my hair, sometimes just when I run my fingers through my hair. I don't know what to do. How to combat this. I haven't B/Ped for two days and I'm hoping to make it a lot longer and my hair will stop falling out... right? I'm restricting instead but not as much as I would like because well I would really like to keep my hair.

Breakfast: Whatever Fruit and Veg I find in my fridge.
Lunch: Plain salad with caesar dressing.
Dinner: Tomato soup (haven't decided if I should add crackers or not)

Plus all the diet pop and crystal light and of course WATER that I want. I need today to be a good day. I really do.

I'm so fragile lately. I'm weaning myself off my antidepressants and it's making me feel either like shit or numb to everything. Another week and I'm gonna be completely off of them. I don't know how long after that you really don't have any of it left in your system but I hope I do much better than before. Wish me luck on that front and on todays intake.

August 19th

Ok so I wanted to get down my weight right now. I'm 152...I'm 5'5. FAT. I used to be almost 200 pounds....that's insane to think right now.

Right now I live with my parents and for some reason it's a lot harder to restrict than it was before. I end up B/Ping instead which doesn't help anything. I can't wait to move in with my faincee! I'm gonna be so broke that I wont be able to afford food . I'll live off soup and shrink shrink shrink.

I start my everyday by saying I'm not gonna eat today and most of the time it work until around 2pm. I work at a pizza place where I prep all the food and by the end of it I'm starving, the worst of it? Free Pizza. More evil words were never spoken. I'm weak and I admit it. I don't know where my willpower went. I gained 5 pounds over the last 2 months after losing 48 pounds. I'm looking to tap into that part of myself again. That strong person who has the potential to be perfect. I'll do it. I'm just not sure how yet.

cool :)

SIGH OF RELIEF! For the first time since I made this blog I have a working laptop with internet!!! Yaaaays! You have no idea how happy I am.

I had lunch today and I'm not gonna have anything else. I made a big collage on the inside of my wardrobe doors and beautiful skinny women and inspiring quotes. It's really nice actually I like it.

Well everyone I'm back and I'm back for good. Get ready for lots of updates and comments!!

What a HORRIBLE day!

Sooo the brakes on my car went, theres no air in my front tire, and theres a serious oil leak in my car. Oh, what do I do for a living? I'm a delivery girl! Ya so I can't work again until next week. Fuck my life. I'm really frustrated and I tend to eat when I'm upset. I had a glass of pop but it made me so bloated that I didn't have anything else thank goodness. Still, today has been such a bad day and it isn't getting any better. Fighting with everyone because I'm so mad about everything else. I get MY computer back tomorrow. All the posts I've been able to do since my computer broke havent been from my computer. I can check blogs and comment again and not just update once a month. What a relief. I was doing my best when I had this community behind me and I hope I still do.

Curious

Anybody in Canada or US even looking for a texting buddy? Let me know. I need one badly. I miss my old one horribly but she fucked off. *SIGH* Give me your email if you interested

Forgot

I forgot to mention that my hair is falling out...like a lot. How can I combat this ?? FML Don't get any of the weight loss benefits of being mia but I get the shit side effects??? OF COURSE

hmm

I bot a new scale the other day. I want back in. I confessed so much to the fiancee the other day. I told him I purge at least once a day and that I just fucking hate everything about myself. It took a lot to say anything and to be honest I REALLY wish I didn't. He's always asking now if I've thrown up that day and if I say yes he gets mad. I should have known that he wouldn't understand the lack of control I have over this. I'm back to being extra fat instead of kinda fat, 152 today. How very dissapointed in myself you have no idea. The plan for tomorrow Breakfast: English Muffin, Lunch: Green Salad, Dinner: Soup. I'm gonna try and keep something like that going and then cut down gradually. I really really really hate mia, she doesn't do fuck all for me except fro the fact that it makes me feel better after i've done it. I was reading on "I will be a size 0" that her friend lost 22 pounds in 2 weeks by taking a weight loss drug called duromine. I'm gonna go to the doctor tomorrow and see if I can get on it and if I can't I have some connections with things like this so hopefully I can get it either way lol. I don't know what to do with my life these days. I'm so everywhere. I want to move to alberta and work as a heavy hauler cuz they get paid soooo much money but I'm supposed to move in with my fiancee next month and everything is just going sooooo fast. I'm not sure what I'm wanting. What do I do ?

long time gone

i've been trying for 800 calscalf a day. its been going alright. iI gained back all the weight iI lost and iI think my ana buddy hates me. imI'm gonna pick up some mustard and celery... maybe iI can luvelive off that for a week. wish me luck. 

sorry

Sory I havent written in so long. Thats very much not like me. Life has been really busy lately. I got my old job back and Im interviewing for a new position and a really upscale clothing store where I'd be the manager. I really hope I get it. Food intake has been SHIT. Ive been eating non stop since the last time I wrote. Today I havent eaten anything but thats because Ive been sleeping all day. I think I might be sick. My friend wants to go out for dinner tonight and I said yes. GUH what to do what to do. I feel like my ana and mia habits are leaving me but weirdly enough, I dont want them to. I need inspiration someone, please.

Rainy days

We're having a crazy thunderstorm right now. I like them during the day. I hate them at night...sounds like a kid thing to say but its true. So far ive had a cup of coffee. Im spending the day with PF so I know I'll end up having to eat. I'll try to make it minimul. Ive been binging really bad the last few days. Ive only been able to purge sometimes though. I saw a picture of myself from october and I was sooo much bigger. It made me feel pretty grand but then I looked down and saw that Im still covered in fat. I have tons to say but no energy to say it. Soon.

Serious Arg

I thought I was getting paid this friday but apparently its next friday. I have to go ANOTHER week without a scale. *sigh* This is really testing my patience. Im trying to look at it on the bright side. I probably have been losing and it could be a nice surprise the next time I get on the scale. ...then that fear sets in...what if I unknowingly but on 20 pounds overnight????

keep breathing

Not having a scale is freaking me out. I had just under 400 calories yesterday. I did pretty well. Going out for dinner tonight with PF. I still dont think he's getting it. What I need and all that. I'm gonna keep going with this for a few more weeks though. I dont want to break up with him until I know for sure he's a neglectful jerk. The guy is always full of surprises so I dont know. I feel like this typical bitchy fiancee. He doesnt bring me flowers anymore, he never says anything super sweet anymore, he used to act like he was the luckiest man alive-not anymore. It sucks.
I'm going to wal mart today to price a good scale. I get some money on friday so I think I will get it then. I know my parents are getting ones at the end of august but what could it hurt to have two scales? Well I guess 3 because they're getting one for their bathroom and one for mine. I'm actually starting to like this idea the more I think about it.

Scale Bullshit

I had a good few days then yesterday was horrible. So far today Ive had 2 cups of coffee. I got a little notebook for my purse so I can write down everything I eat. I think it will help a lot with planning and seeing that in general, I eat too fucking much. I think Im gonna throw away the scale I have because its just wrong all the time. Its a piece and it either says Im way down or way up. Its gonna be shit not knowing but its shit when its all wrong. Im thinking of going to the doctors once a weeks and weighing myself. I feel like I can only trust her scale. Maybe when my parents get the digital ones it that will change but for now I cant deal with this stupid broke scale. It will drive me crazy and possibly to a binge. Who wants that?

my scale is bullshit

It says Im 144 today. I think its bullshit. I know its off by a few pounds so I set it ahead by 5. Ive been doing so poorly theres no way in hell I would be down another few pounds today. Its driving me insane that I dont know what my actual weight is. All I want to do is go out and by one with my credit card but my parents ordered new ones that should be here in August. It feels like I would be wasting money but what else can I do? I would love nothing more than to think that Im losing weight but it would be a lie. My mom and I start our fast today. Only allowed to have jello. I didnt know we were allowed jello but the lime is 10 calories per half cup so I guess I can eat one jello meal with her so she doesnt freak.

I let PF have it last night. Im sick of being his toy that he picks up and puts down whenever he feels like it. I know he's busy a lot but then he spends all his extra time with his buddys. Im sick of being ignored. Im not gonna be in a relationship where I feel lonely all the time. What if we get married and I never see him? What if I have his children and not only can he not be bothered with me but with them? If this is going to continue we may as well not be together because Im alone all the time anyway. Im worried and sad and alone. If only I was 111 then maybe he would love me. Just maybe he would pay attention to his thin fiancee. Maybe he would be proud to be with me. Right now I almost dont blaim him for not hanging out with me. I'm absolutely disgusting. I revolt myself so then why would I not do the same to him?

I'm planning for 1 jello meal with my mom. Probably 20 calories. Wish me luck. I want him to love me again.

146

Im at 146 today. Better than yesterday. My throat hurts today so I can get away with not eating because of that.

I start a new job on monday. Well its not exactly a new job. I used to work there. I'll be a delivery driver for a pizza place. Can you say temptation? I'm pretty nervous but I havent eaten pizza in months because of that place and how I used to eat it EVERY day. Disgusting. Plus I can never ever purge pizza. No matter how hard I try. I'm not much for laxies but someone told me to use those instead when it comes to pizza.

My mom is going in for minor surgery on Monday so she has to fast all weekend. Me, being the good daughter that I am decided that I would fast with her. This weekend should be a piece of cake (figuratively speaking). With someone else fasting in the house it will be nooo problem.

Maybe I could be 139 on Monday. If I fast today, tomorrow, and Sunday. I bet I could do it. Any encouragement would be greatly appreaciated.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IqS_FSB6CT8

doctors vis...

So I got the doctor to weigh me 147. More than what I wanted to hear. So my scale is 7 pounds off. That sucks. Im just gonna have to try harder.

I got my antidepressants dose increased. It will probably make me not hungry for 2 or 3 weeks so thats a plus.

I love this thinspo video. *RECOMENDATION*

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mkctKe7F780&NR=1

omg OW

So I started this new job and its KILLING my back. Yesterday was only my first day and today I had to stay home because I cant move. I hope the doctor will give me something to make the pain stop.

I binged so bad last night. Hamburger, pasta salad, white cheddar popcorn, pretzels, etc, etc. I feel like I gained back 5 pounds overnight. When I go to the doctor today I'm going to have her weigh me. Ive gone on so many different scales and they all say differnt things. My scale (which I dont trust) says Im 140. My friends scale says Im 147 and every where in between. Im just scared the doctor is gonna say Im actually 170 or something. Oh god that would be my absolute WORST nigthmare.

I think PF is mad at me because I didnt go to work today. He asked a bunch of questions about it then asked if I was gonna paint his moms basement....I told him again I CANT MOVE! I think he got the picture afterwards. I feel like everyones mad at me all the time. I can hardly deal with it. Oh well.

I decided Im going to put myself in more situations that I cant control. Thats what makes my anxiety go through the roof is when I dont have control over a situation. I just want the anxiety to go away. I dont want to be afraid anymore.

Ignored? Shocking! *SARCASM*

PF called. Asked if I wanted to run around and do airends with him. I asked if he could wait 10 minutes so I could wash my hair. Of course he said no. Its all about him and his timelines. I'm just his rag doll he picks up and puts down when its convenient for him. I'm sick of always doing what he wants, when he wants and me not getting any say.

I bet he would listen if I was worthy of his attention. He probably wont even care until I'm around 120. Maybe then he'll want to be seen with me. I'm only doing it for him. It's always for him. It's always been "maybe if I'm thinner he'll give me a say or give a damn at all".

Why would he ask me to marry him if we weren't going to be equal partners? It's always him, him, him. I can't remember the last time he asked me what I want to do. I don't even think there's been a time when I ask him to hang out and he says yes because it's not on HIS schedule. I'm getting serious cold feet. He doesn't value me the way he should. He doesn't care about me the way he should. He doesn't care what I think or feel or want. It will always be about him.

Unless I lose 50 pounds. Maybe I can have some of his attention then. Only then will I even feel worthy of his attention and love.

Off to the treadmill.

xoxo Sasha.

Chins

I can feel my double chin bobbling around every time I move. I have the taste of old food in my mouth and no matter how much I brush it wont leave.

People keep commenting on how thin I look. Oh joy in comparrison to all the fattys in this town I'm on the thinner side of the spectrum. That just shows how disgusting this town is. So I found out yesterday that my scale is off bt 10 pounds. So instead of me being 140 Im 150. Can you imagine having that fucking blow? It broke me. I'm on autopilot right now and I don't want to hit the switch for me to take over living.

I want to go off my antidepressants but summer is the worst time for my anxiety attacks. If I get the dose jacked up it will make me feel full for at least 2 weeks. I'm still debating. I think I'm going to the doctor tomorrow though for a bunch of stuff so maybe it's a sign to get it doubled or something.

My parents are going to want their computer back any second because their drunk friends are leaving so they'll want some company to entertain their buzz.

xoxo Sasha

Me

I'm 19, my name is Sasha. I have an eating disorder and I think that's ok. I was 195 pounds at my worst. I'm 150 now. I love the feeling I get when I'm full of water and nothing else. I'm canadian. Any Canadian Ana's looking for a buddy for texting or emailing leave me your adress and we'll hook up.

Today has been a bad one. had 3 handfulls of chips and a bowl of pasta salad. I feel disgusting. I'm going to have a bath and read my copy of Wintergirls for inspiration. After that I think I will take my dog for a long walk throught the part to burn some calories.

Tomorrow is gonna be a busy dau but if I can fit it in I'm gonna get in some serious work out time. I just want to be tiny. 100 pounds. Well I mean if Im gonna go to 100 I really should go to 99. I can hit double digits and that's what I want.

xoxo ttfn Sasha