sorry

Sory I havent written in so long. Thats very much not like me. Life has been really busy lately. I got my old job back and Im interviewing for a new position and a really upscale clothing store where I'd be the manager. I really hope I get it. Food intake has been SHIT. Ive been eating non stop since the last time I wrote. Today I havent eaten anything but thats because Ive been sleeping all day. I think I might be sick. My friend wants to go out for dinner tonight and I said yes. GUH what to do what to do. I feel like my ana and mia habits are leaving me but weirdly enough, I dont want them to. I need inspiration someone, please.

Rainy days

We're having a crazy thunderstorm right now. I like them during the day. I hate them at night...sounds like a kid thing to say but its true. So far ive had a cup of coffee. Im spending the day with PF so I know I'll end up having to eat. I'll try to make it minimul. Ive been binging really bad the last few days. Ive only been able to purge sometimes though. I saw a picture of myself from october and I was sooo much bigger. It made me feel pretty grand but then I looked down and saw that Im still covered in fat. I have tons to say but no energy to say it. Soon.

Serious Arg

I thought I was getting paid this friday but apparently its next friday. I have to go ANOTHER week without a scale. *sigh* This is really testing my patience. Im trying to look at it on the bright side. I probably have been losing and it could be a nice surprise the next time I get on the scale. ...then that fear sets in...what if I unknowingly but on 20 pounds overnight????

keep breathing

Not having a scale is freaking me out. I had just under 400 calories yesterday. I did pretty well. Going out for dinner tonight with PF. I still dont think he's getting it. What I need and all that. I'm gonna keep going with this for a few more weeks though. I dont want to break up with him until I know for sure he's a neglectful jerk. The guy is always full of surprises so I dont know. I feel like this typical bitchy fiancee. He doesnt bring me flowers anymore, he never says anything super sweet anymore, he used to act like he was the luckiest man alive-not anymore. It sucks.
I'm going to wal mart today to price a good scale. I get some money on friday so I think I will get it then. I know my parents are getting ones at the end of august but what could it hurt to have two scales? Well I guess 3 because they're getting one for their bathroom and one for mine. I'm actually starting to like this idea the more I think about it.

Scale Bullshit

I had a good few days then yesterday was horrible. So far today Ive had 2 cups of coffee. I got a little notebook for my purse so I can write down everything I eat. I think it will help a lot with planning and seeing that in general, I eat too fucking much. I think Im gonna throw away the scale I have because its just wrong all the time. Its a piece and it either says Im way down or way up. Its gonna be shit not knowing but its shit when its all wrong. Im thinking of going to the doctors once a weeks and weighing myself. I feel like I can only trust her scale. Maybe when my parents get the digital ones it that will change but for now I cant deal with this stupid broke scale. It will drive me crazy and possibly to a binge. Who wants that?

my scale is bullshit

It says Im 144 today. I think its bullshit. I know its off by a few pounds so I set it ahead by 5. Ive been doing so poorly theres no way in hell I would be down another few pounds today. Its driving me insane that I dont know what my actual weight is. All I want to do is go out and by one with my credit card but my parents ordered new ones that should be here in August. It feels like I would be wasting money but what else can I do? I would love nothing more than to think that Im losing weight but it would be a lie. My mom and I start our fast today. Only allowed to have jello. I didnt know we were allowed jello but the lime is 10 calories per half cup so I guess I can eat one jello meal with her so she doesnt freak.

I let PF have it last night. Im sick of being his toy that he picks up and puts down whenever he feels like it. I know he's busy a lot but then he spends all his extra time with his buddys. Im sick of being ignored. Im not gonna be in a relationship where I feel lonely all the time. What if we get married and I never see him? What if I have his children and not only can he not be bothered with me but with them? If this is going to continue we may as well not be together because Im alone all the time anyway. Im worried and sad and alone. If only I was 111 then maybe he would love me. Just maybe he would pay attention to his thin fiancee. Maybe he would be proud to be with me. Right now I almost dont blaim him for not hanging out with me. I'm absolutely disgusting. I revolt myself so then why would I not do the same to him?

I'm planning for 1 jello meal with my mom. Probably 20 calories. Wish me luck. I want him to love me again.

146

Im at 146 today. Better than yesterday. My throat hurts today so I can get away with not eating because of that.

I start a new job on monday. Well its not exactly a new job. I used to work there. I'll be a delivery driver for a pizza place. Can you say temptation? I'm pretty nervous but I havent eaten pizza in months because of that place and how I used to eat it EVERY day. Disgusting. Plus I can never ever purge pizza. No matter how hard I try. I'm not much for laxies but someone told me to use those instead when it comes to pizza.

My mom is going in for minor surgery on Monday so she has to fast all weekend. Me, being the good daughter that I am decided that I would fast with her. This weekend should be a piece of cake (figuratively speaking). With someone else fasting in the house it will be nooo problem.

Maybe I could be 139 on Monday. If I fast today, tomorrow, and Sunday. I bet I could do it. Any encouragement would be greatly appreaciated.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IqS_FSB6CT8

doctors vis...

So I got the doctor to weigh me 147. More than what I wanted to hear. So my scale is 7 pounds off. That sucks. Im just gonna have to try harder.

I got my antidepressants dose increased. It will probably make me not hungry for 2 or 3 weeks so thats a plus.

I love this thinspo video. *RECOMENDATION*

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mkctKe7F780&NR=1

omg OW

So I started this new job and its KILLING my back. Yesterday was only my first day and today I had to stay home because I cant move. I hope the doctor will give me something to make the pain stop.

I binged so bad last night. Hamburger, pasta salad, white cheddar popcorn, pretzels, etc, etc. I feel like I gained back 5 pounds overnight. When I go to the doctor today I'm going to have her weigh me. Ive gone on so many different scales and they all say differnt things. My scale (which I dont trust) says Im 140. My friends scale says Im 147 and every where in between. Im just scared the doctor is gonna say Im actually 170 or something. Oh god that would be my absolute WORST nigthmare.

I think PF is mad at me because I didnt go to work today. He asked a bunch of questions about it then asked if I was gonna paint his moms basement....I told him again I CANT MOVE! I think he got the picture afterwards. I feel like everyones mad at me all the time. I can hardly deal with it. Oh well.

I decided Im going to put myself in more situations that I cant control. Thats what makes my anxiety go through the roof is when I dont have control over a situation. I just want the anxiety to go away. I dont want to be afraid anymore.

Ignored? Shocking! *SARCASM*

PF called. Asked if I wanted to run around and do airends with him. I asked if he could wait 10 minutes so I could wash my hair. Of course he said no. Its all about him and his timelines. I'm just his rag doll he picks up and puts down when its convenient for him. I'm sick of always doing what he wants, when he wants and me not getting any say.

I bet he would listen if I was worthy of his attention. He probably wont even care until I'm around 120. Maybe then he'll want to be seen with me. I'm only doing it for him. It's always for him. It's always been "maybe if I'm thinner he'll give me a say or give a damn at all".

Why would he ask me to marry him if we weren't going to be equal partners? It's always him, him, him. I can't remember the last time he asked me what I want to do. I don't even think there's been a time when I ask him to hang out and he says yes because it's not on HIS schedule. I'm getting serious cold feet. He doesn't value me the way he should. He doesn't care about me the way he should. He doesn't care what I think or feel or want. It will always be about him.

Unless I lose 50 pounds. Maybe I can have some of his attention then. Only then will I even feel worthy of his attention and love.

Off to the treadmill.

xoxo Sasha.