today

I'm completely broken but at least I'm not hungry.

I don't know why I'm surprised.

He dumped me.

I wish my shadow wasn't such a fatass

My started terribly. I felt feverish and vomited at work. About half an hour after that though I felt alright...it was weird.

After work I went out with some friends to the bar. I had 3 vodka and cranberry juice's. I had an iced coffee for breakfast (oh the calories!) and I wont even say the rest. I'm ravenous right now but it's 11:30 if I ate now I would have to purge it all up and plus I would have terrible nightmares.

Tomorrow me and the fiancee are having an alone night to watch movies and have dinner, BARF (literally). I think this will be the week we will break up. Not that things aren't going well but I realized that when it comes down to it I really could live without him. He thinks we're getting married whereas I know that some point down the road it's going to end before that. I feel like I shouldn't keep it going any longer if I have no intention of marrying him. It would be selfish not to, I do love him but he also makes me miserable.

I want to be single sometimes. Single and light as a feather.

I'm feeling a bit better (thank goodness)

My mom went to the store to pick up the meds the doctor prescribed for my dizziness. For some reason he gave me an non drowst anti histimine. Either way it's helped a little.

I feel fucking huge today. I'm having my period (for the second time this month????) and I'm so bloated and retaining soooo much water. I'm 2 pounds heavier than I usually am. But when it comes to my periods and things when it's over i'll be 4 pounds lighter so it's ok lol. Ya I lose 2 pounds after almost every period. It's like everything catches up with me, it's weird...but good. I just feel like Fatty McFatAss right now and it sucks.

So I don't know why but I wanted to share my favorite thinspo video with you girls.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6rpbLJ6FXY8 . I not only love the pictures but I LOVE the song. The way the music and the pictures line up is awesome. I downloaded the song and when I listen to it in my car I automatically invision the pictures along with the music. What are some of your guys' favorite thinspo video's or songs? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4gWl8aKVClM  I love this one too. More for the song. it just.Fits. "Look closer, are you like meeee? are you uglyy?"

So as for the dizzys and whatnot I don't think that's from ana because I haven't been restricting the last two days, especially not today because of the sevarity of the way I was feeling. I really thought eating would fix it but I should know by now that eating doesn't fix jack shit!

seriously WTF

I'm so dizzy. I've been dizzy for days, weeks, and almost months. I'm sick of it and it's getting worse. While I was sitting in the bath being extremely dizzy I ran my hand through my hair and another huge clump came out. Over and over again clump after clump. I'm scared. I don't know what's happening to me but I don't like it. If this is because of coming off the antidepressants I'm never going back on them because this is HELL. All the dizziness is making my anxiety come out terribly. Plus I'm having my period and I'm so bloated that my stomach is looking pregnant. Getting through work today was so hard.

I know this is getting somewhat off track about the food and the ED but it's hard to focus on it right now. With all these symptoms and the anxiety I can barely think about anything else. As soon as these symptoms get dealt with I will be back to my food calculating self.

The Talk

So we talked, and talked, and talked. Got through a lot of shit and I think we're better for it. I'm supposed to move in on the weekend. I'm still so afraid we're making a terrible mistake.I'm afraid that I'm not ready to leave home. It makes me really anxious and I want to panick. I have to remember to breeeeeath. So what should I do? If I tell him I don't want to move in it will lead to us breaking up...I don't even know if that's a bad idea which makes it so much scarier. If I can live without him why the fuck am I moving in with him and planning to marry him? Because break-ups are hard? I'm such an idiot.

Todays intake was not terrible today. Breakfast was a piece of bread with nutella, lunch was mixed berries, and dinner was a bit of pasta, yes pasta. I didn't get to my bike today because I went to the fiancees place right after work. Will tomorrow though.

I'm having this problem where I get really dizzy and lethargick. I thought it was because I'm getting off my pills but then I realized I had to take time off work about 3 months ago because I was having inner ear problems that were making me really dizzy and sick. I think I may need a catscan or something. Either way I'm going to the doctor as soon as I can. Wish me luck on all of those thing and if you have any advice about the fiancee even if it's harsh. You guys are awesome. Thank you for all the other comments by the way/

wooooooooo

So I went on my first bike ride and OMG that thing kicked my ass! I got home and thought I was going to die or something. Just shows how out of shape and horrible I really am. At least I'm starting and I'm gonna be in beautiful shape.I need to learn how to use my gears and such properly as well. I'm 19 and I haven't ridden a bike since I was 11.

So I invited to fiancee over tonight he said "I can probably do that" at 6:30 he was supposed to be here. I texted and called but didn't hear from him until 8:30. I'm so mad right now. We had it out and I called him an asshole and told him he was unbelievable because he didn't call to say he wasn't coming. He thinks that if he doesn't show up by 6:30 then that means I should assume he wasn't coming. See now that would have been fine if he had said that BEFORE hand. He didn't I waited there with my parents for half an hour after we were supposed to have dinner. I don't know what's worse me feeling like he's an asshole or my parents feeling like he's an asshole. Am I wrong to be reacting this way??

Good Buy

I went to the mall today with my mom. I had a great idea of an impulse purchase. A bike. I am now the proud owner of a cute pink bike and it's gong to be a great work out. I'm really excited about it.

mmmmmmmok?

It went ok yesterday. I got to leave early from work and get all dressed up. I said hi to everyone and had a small plate of salad and then said I didn't feel well and went home.

Despite my success yesterday today has been terrible! My parents made this big breakfast and make a huge deal about us eating together. That was egg, half peice of toast, 2 strips of bacon (its getting obvious I didn't make my own plate), hashbrown and a bunch of fruit. mmmmm fruit. Then today I went shopping with my friend two towns over and after that she wanted McDonalds, well guess who else decided to partake?? FML people. Then about 3 hours ago I had a thick slice of home made bread with nutella on it. WTF is wrong with me today.

I want to make tomorrow a fast day but that means staying in and being bored. See that's how it is with me and nice weather. I can fast in the winter no problem cuz all I want to do is stay in bed anyway. I mean I wouldn't be working out but I wouldn't be eating either. Definitely where my biggest success happens.

So I have a non E-D related problem. I have this friend who flirts with me constantly. He's HOT I like him and I know he likes me. The problem? I'm engaged! I love him but I'm always asking myself if he's really the love of my life. We do things so completely opposite. I mean he can be bizarre sometimes. I don't want to break up with him but I find the attraction to the other guy (a mutual Good friend I might add) is getting stronger and stronger.

Me and the fiancee have so many problems and half the time I feel like I know it wont last and I should just break up with him. Is this cold feet? Am I trying to create a problem so I can run away from the one person who knows the extent of all of my issues (yes, he knows ALL about the ED). I just feel like there are so many reasons that I'm pushing him away and then so many legitimate reasons that I should break up with him. I'm not really sure what to do here.

So tired.

Work today was hell. It was busy from the moment we opened til when I left. It sucks because I usually have two hours to prep the food but today I had nothing. My supervisor was so sick he was vomiting every 5 minutes and when he wasn't puking he was dry heaving over the garbage can. It was such a stressful day I'm glad it's over. I can only hope hope HOPE that tomorrow isn't the same way. If it is I don't know if i'll make it to the BBQ. Too much stress and so busy it makes me just bagged.

Today I had a nice small breakfast but lunch ended up being 600 calories. No dinner for me tonight so that leaves my intake at 900 calories. Not bad considering I tend to stress eat and today was one of those days for sure. I've been off work for 2 and a half hours but it feels like only 15 minutes everything hurts.

Please let tomorrow be better. Everyone cross your fingers for me!

August 21st

I weighed in at 151.0 today. Deffinitely put a smile on my face :) I can't wait to be below 150 again, I can't believe I let that slip away. 147 was the lowest I had been in years. The only reason I gained the weight back is because the scale I had at the time was telling me I was 7 pounds lighter than I am. When I found out I wasn't 140 I was absolutely crushed. So instead of strengthening my resolve I gave up and ate like an idiot, everyday - all the time. I bought a new scale. The best one I could possibly find when I decided to get back into it. I'd like to be 130 soon.

So today for breakfast I had a small bowl of honey nut cheerios which added up to 300. Lunch I really don't know what I should do. I had a great plain salad yesterday but after I finished I got really sick and was on the toilet at work for 25 minutes. Sorry for that bit but I was making a point. The only other stuff they have there is pizza, breadsticks, and chicken wings. Wow I just had a good idea (it doesn't happen as often as I'd like). There's a safeway across the street I'll just pick up something low-cal from there. Probably soup.

I woke up so anxious today. I have an anxiety disorder, actually I have two but I just mash them into one. I got up and just wanted to cry and hide or find my mom. I still don't feel very good. I wish I could stay home. I learned that staying home because of anxiety is a horrible thing, even if your supposed to go to work. When I was at my worst I spent 3 months in my room because it was the only place I felt safe. I cried all day everyday. It's weird to think that was only a year ago. I've made a lot of progress since then.

I'm anxious about Saturday. The BBQ at the fiancees parents place. Its like a pig roast or some shit... I really don't want to see a dead pigs face. I'm not gonna eat any meat and I hope they don't think I'm odd (they're hunters and BIG meat eaters). I'll stick to different salads. I'm scared I'm gonna lose control and just binge in front of everyone...then I'll have to go purge and someone or everyone will hear me.

Well even though I want to hide under a rock I better get ready for work.

Thumbs Down or Thumbs Up?

I fail at not purging. I had the breakfast I wanted and the lunch I wanted and for no good reason at all I ate an entire box of kraft dinner for supper. I purged it up. Does that make it a good day cuz i technically only ate 2 meals or bad because I want to stop purging and I failed?

I went to the fiancees place after work. He forgot I was coming over. He was working on the plumbing. We ended up just having sex and then I left. Fuck. We've been spending way too little tie together and we both know it but we're both sooo busy it sucks. This saturday when I get off work (at 7pm) we're going to a BBQ at his parents house. I'm gonna be so tired but I have sunday off so hopefully we can stay up late together and maybe watch a movie when we get back.

It's our one year anniversary on sept 2nd and I have no idea what to get him. I know I want to get him something he would love and really have fun with but I have no idea what that would be (you know your a good fiancee WHEN lol). I got one of his friends to like be sneaky and ninja ask him about things that he wants lol.

What I would really like to give him is a perfect fiancee but I'm too fat, snippy, quick tempered, ugly, depressed, not fun, not funny, and too critical of myself! Who isn't though?

I love being able to let it all out here. I don't have to be afraid of what someone might say lol.

Thank you for the good hair tips Lina I'm deffinitely going to try that.

less than glamorous

I really hate that my hair is falling out. In big clumps when I shower and when I brush my hair, sometimes just when I run my fingers through my hair. I don't know what to do. How to combat this. I haven't B/Ped for two days and I'm hoping to make it a lot longer and my hair will stop falling out... right? I'm restricting instead but not as much as I would like because well I would really like to keep my hair.

Breakfast: Whatever Fruit and Veg I find in my fridge.
Lunch: Plain salad with caesar dressing.
Dinner: Tomato soup (haven't decided if I should add crackers or not)

Plus all the diet pop and crystal light and of course WATER that I want. I need today to be a good day. I really do.

I'm so fragile lately. I'm weaning myself off my antidepressants and it's making me feel either like shit or numb to everything. Another week and I'm gonna be completely off of them. I don't know how long after that you really don't have any of it left in your system but I hope I do much better than before. Wish me luck on that front and on todays intake.

August 19th

Ok so I wanted to get down my weight right now. I'm 152...I'm 5'5. FAT. I used to be almost 200 pounds....that's insane to think right now.

Right now I live with my parents and for some reason it's a lot harder to restrict than it was before. I end up B/Ping instead which doesn't help anything. I can't wait to move in with my faincee! I'm gonna be so broke that I wont be able to afford food . I'll live off soup and shrink shrink shrink.

I start my everyday by saying I'm not gonna eat today and most of the time it work until around 2pm. I work at a pizza place where I prep all the food and by the end of it I'm starving, the worst of it? Free Pizza. More evil words were never spoken. I'm weak and I admit it. I don't know where my willpower went. I gained 5 pounds over the last 2 months after losing 48 pounds. I'm looking to tap into that part of myself again. That strong person who has the potential to be perfect. I'll do it. I'm just not sure how yet.

cool :)

SIGH OF RELIEF! For the first time since I made this blog I have a working laptop with internet!!! Yaaaays! You have no idea how happy I am.

I had lunch today and I'm not gonna have anything else. I made a big collage on the inside of my wardrobe doors and beautiful skinny women and inspiring quotes. It's really nice actually I like it.

Well everyone I'm back and I'm back for good. Get ready for lots of updates and comments!!

What a HORRIBLE day!

Sooo the brakes on my car went, theres no air in my front tire, and theres a serious oil leak in my car. Oh, what do I do for a living? I'm a delivery girl! Ya so I can't work again until next week. Fuck my life. I'm really frustrated and I tend to eat when I'm upset. I had a glass of pop but it made me so bloated that I didn't have anything else thank goodness. Still, today has been such a bad day and it isn't getting any better. Fighting with everyone because I'm so mad about everything else. I get MY computer back tomorrow. All the posts I've been able to do since my computer broke havent been from my computer. I can check blogs and comment again and not just update once a month. What a relief. I was doing my best when I had this community behind me and I hope I still do.

Curious

Anybody in Canada or US even looking for a texting buddy? Let me know. I need one badly. I miss my old one horribly but she fucked off. *SIGH* Give me your email if you interested

Forgot

I forgot to mention that my hair is falling out...like a lot. How can I combat this ?? FML Don't get any of the weight loss benefits of being mia but I get the shit side effects??? OF COURSE

hmm

I bot a new scale the other day. I want back in. I confessed so much to the fiancee the other day. I told him I purge at least once a day and that I just fucking hate everything about myself. It took a lot to say anything and to be honest I REALLY wish I didn't. He's always asking now if I've thrown up that day and if I say yes he gets mad. I should have known that he wouldn't understand the lack of control I have over this. I'm back to being extra fat instead of kinda fat, 152 today. How very dissapointed in myself you have no idea. The plan for tomorrow Breakfast: English Muffin, Lunch: Green Salad, Dinner: Soup. I'm gonna try and keep something like that going and then cut down gradually. I really really really hate mia, she doesn't do fuck all for me except fro the fact that it makes me feel better after i've done it. I was reading on "I will be a size 0" that her friend lost 22 pounds in 2 weeks by taking a weight loss drug called duromine. I'm gonna go to the doctor tomorrow and see if I can get on it and if I can't I have some connections with things like this so hopefully I can get it either way lol. I don't know what to do with my life these days. I'm so everywhere. I want to move to alberta and work as a heavy hauler cuz they get paid soooo much money but I'm supposed to move in with my fiancee next month and everything is just going sooooo fast. I'm not sure what I'm wanting. What do I do ?

long time gone

i've been trying for 800 calscalf a day. its been going alright. iI gained back all the weight iI lost and iI think my ana buddy hates me. imI'm gonna pick up some mustard and celery... maybe iI can luvelive off that for a week. wish me luck.