It says Im 144 today. I think its bullshit. I know its off by a few pounds so I set it ahead by 5. Ive been doing so poorly theres no way in hell I would be down another few pounds today. Its driving me insane that I dont know what my actual weight is. All I want to do is go out and by one with my credit card but my parents ordered new ones that should be here in August. It feels like I would be wasting money but what else can I do? I would love nothing more than to think that Im losing weight but it would be a lie. My mom and I start our fast today. Only allowed to have jello. I didnt know we were allowed jello but the lime is 10 calories per half cup so I guess I can eat one jello meal with her so she doesnt freak.
I let PF have it last night. Im sick of being his toy that he picks up and puts down whenever he feels like it. I know he's busy a lot but then he spends all his extra time with his buddys. Im sick of being ignored. Im not gonna be in a relationship where I feel lonely all the time. What if we get married and I never see him? What if I have his children and not only can he not be bothered with me but with them? If this is going to continue we may as well not be together because Im alone all the time anyway. Im worried and sad and alone. If only I was 111 then maybe he would love me. Just maybe he would pay attention to his thin fiancee. Maybe he would be proud to be with me. Right now I almost dont blaim him for not hanging out with me. I'm absolutely disgusting. I revolt myself so then why would I not do the same to him?
I'm planning for 1 jello meal with my mom. Probably 20 calories. Wish me luck. I want him to love me again.
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That's so odd, getting fasting support from your mom! But in a totally enviable way, of course :)
ReplyDeleteAnd I sympathize... once in a while, I realize the only real "thinspiration" I have is the mental prcess of, "If only I'd been thinner, that guy would have liked me," It may be irrational, but it works. And knowing that you've subverted his "rejection" or "criticism" (and he almost certainly doesn't see things the way you do!)... is kind of fun.
Ugh, sorry-- I ramble when I have carbs in my system :(
I wanted to thank you for your comment-- it meant a lot :)
-Lina