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I just got up its 10 30. I'm gonna have 3 mandarin oranges for breakfast which is about 96 calories. Probably gonna have 2 rice cakes for lunch which is 90 calories which is about 186 calories. So for dinner I have 314 calories to use. Dinner / night time is my hardest time so I think this is a pretty good plan until I start feeling empty again. After that it should be smooth sailing. I don't like letting that feeling go. It's usually some other reason that makes me eat. Parents, Friends, Anxiety- that kind of thing.

I wish my anxiety didn't stand in my way. I get in a really good streak and then I get really dizzy and it sets off my anxiety. A big problem is if I go to counselling for the anxiety I would unintentionally get brain washed into thinking I may be overweight but I have a beautiful soul or some crap. I don't want to think that because I know it isn't true. So for now losing weight and anxiety go hand in hand for me and I hate it.

It's my best friends birthday today. She'll want me to come out and drink but theres no way that's gonna happen. Seeing 145 terrified me. I'm pretty sure the 3 lbs I've been going back and forth on is water weight. It goes up on slightest thing and down in the same way. So I need to get to 141-140. That will be real weight loss. Last week I did see 141. That's when I was doing well. I really wanna hit myself for fucking that up. I could've been 139 like 2 days after that but I got happy and ate instead. I always feel so guilty and out of control when I eat. I don't even taste anything, I just shovel it in. I don't like those bad feelings and there is a really easy way to not have them. DON'T EAT!

I have to clean the house today. My parents have been out of town and it's a bit messy as well as being covered in dog fur and my mom absolutely goes crazy over it so i'll be a good little girl and clean it up. Then I plan on spending the rest of the night in my room. Probably on the computer or reading. I notice when I'm in my room I'm a lot less tempted to eat but when I'm alone I Have to be in the living room- it's weird. A comfortability thing I guess.

Well I'm off to start the day!