sad

I made 6 batches of cookies today. My intake was 3 and a half cookies and half a glass of milk. I made a ton of cookies to bring to my fiancees place tomorrow for halloween.

The more I think about us the more I know we aren't gonna work out and now I'm more depressed than ever. I'm gonna try to make halloween really fun for both of us. Then I'm gonna see if he has time to talk on sunday. I'm nervous and sad and scared. I'm gonna try not to drink tomorrow too. He doesn't like when I drink. I just feel sooo lost right now. what can I do???

So the lowest I got from the fast was 140. I wanted it to be 139. I think I'm gonna do a series of 2 day fast for the next few weeks. 3 days spikes my anxiety and I almost confessed what I was doing to my mom. It was rediculous.

Day 3 was a success. So tomorrow is just a juice and soup day then friday it will be a light food day. Saturday who freaking knows cuz i'm gonna be drunk lol. Monday I'm gonna see if I can start all over again. I HOPE soooooo much that I'm 139 tomorrow. FINGERS CROSSED

I failed at day 2. I ate dinner and ice cream. Trying again tomorrow.

Luck

Fasting went well yesterday and hopefully today too. I just have to keep busy. I'm gonna have a shower and practice sexy hair for my cowgirl costume. Then I'm gonna go to the mall and get on the wait list for an H1N1 vaccine. Since I have asthma I could apparently actually die if I get it. That would be really...lame. I'll probably bum around there for a bit and scope out places to apply for a job. Wish me luck on all aspects today!

Oh I almost forgot. I'm 141 today :) Can't wait to be out of the 140s and that could be tomorrow!!!!

Yesterday was terrible but I fasted today. I want to fast for another two days and I have a good friend on bored with it. I just showed her what kind of health benefits can come from fasting and she was ready to go. It's nice having a person I know do it with me.

So I'm pretty crushed right now. Last night I absently asked my fiancee "Do you still want to marry me?" and he replied "I don't Want to marry anyone, I just know you want to so I will, I guess" . I just can't marry someone who doesn't want to marry me, and if I know it wont end in marriage there's no point in continuing on. I'm gonna talk to him about this the next time I see him and I really think we're gonna end up breaking up.

It's really easy to not eat when your so so sad.

woah

Yesterday I had 2 mandarin oranges and a granola bar. I used the rest of yesterdays calories on alcohol. That was a mistake. I woke up in the middle of the night in so so so so much pain. I have no idea what it was just my insides are sore. I puked twice this morning and have had like 4 BM's. In that way it's not terrible I guess. I was 142.9 when I was well enough to get on the scale. That was after I had water and a few soda crackers so I might even be less who knows. So I guess yesterday was a success but I don't know how I'm even gonna think about drinking on halloween. It's gonna be a 500 calorie day for me and I was gonna use them all on booze lol but now I see that is a terrible idea. I'll have to think of a new game plan. Suggestions?

start

I just got up its 10 30. I'm gonna have 3 mandarin oranges for breakfast which is about 96 calories. Probably gonna have 2 rice cakes for lunch which is 90 calories which is about 186 calories. So for dinner I have 314 calories to use. Dinner / night time is my hardest time so I think this is a pretty good plan until I start feeling empty again. After that it should be smooth sailing. I don't like letting that feeling go. It's usually some other reason that makes me eat. Parents, Friends, Anxiety- that kind of thing.

I wish my anxiety didn't stand in my way. I get in a really good streak and then I get really dizzy and it sets off my anxiety. A big problem is if I go to counselling for the anxiety I would unintentionally get brain washed into thinking I may be overweight but I have a beautiful soul or some crap. I don't want to think that because I know it isn't true. So for now losing weight and anxiety go hand in hand for me and I hate it.

It's my best friends birthday today. She'll want me to come out and drink but theres no way that's gonna happen. Seeing 145 terrified me. I'm pretty sure the 3 lbs I've been going back and forth on is water weight. It goes up on slightest thing and down in the same way. So I need to get to 141-140. That will be real weight loss. Last week I did see 141. That's when I was doing well. I really wanna hit myself for fucking that up. I could've been 139 like 2 days after that but I got happy and ate instead. I always feel so guilty and out of control when I eat. I don't even taste anything, I just shovel it in. I don't like those bad feelings and there is a really easy way to not have them. DON'T EAT!

I have to clean the house today. My parents have been out of town and it's a bit messy as well as being covered in dog fur and my mom absolutely goes crazy over it so i'll be a good little girl and clean it up. Then I plan on spending the rest of the night in my room. Probably on the computer or reading. I notice when I'm in my room I'm a lot less tempted to eat but when I'm alone I Have to be in the living room- it's weird. A comfortability thing I guess.

Well I'm off to start the day!

Fat fatty fat fat fat

I've been eating non stop for two days. I've been stress eating. My car broke down in front of wal mart and it wont move. I had to get it towed away. I rely on my car for my job and I'm up to my neck in bills. Hence- stress eating.

I'm going on the ABC diet tomorrow. If I fail one day I'm just gonna continue on like that day never happened. I don't want to discourage myself in any way and I just want to be skinny. Halloween is just around the corner and I want to look hot in my costume. That was my original motivation that got me out of the 150s. *SIGH* Hopefully it'll work again.

I have such a big problem. I have a HUGE crush on my fiancees good friend/room mate. I think he might like me too. Seems like he's everything I might want. :'( not gonna persue it at all but part of me wants to and I'm sad.

Got down to 141. I bet i'll have gained everything back by tomorrow. I've been eating normally...or even a lot. I'm gross and I hate it.

I for sure lose weight top to bottom. I'm 142 and I can see bones in chest as well as my colas bones protruding a lot. I love it so much. If that isnt motivation what is??? I'm extatic!!!

K. So. That was lame.

Birthday and Thanksgiving fucked everything up. Gained 3 pounds. I just finished losing those pounds but I'm obviously not happy because I shouldn't have let myself gain them in the first place. Back to 143. I feel like I'm never gonna get out of the 140's I'm so discouraged.

Today i've had a coffee and a diet coke. It's 7:00 here so I hope I don't binge at the last second like I did last night. It was a smallish binge and I got like 90% of it up but still. If I hadn't done that I know I would've been 142 this morning.

Sorry I haven't posted in so long btw. My computer is broken and I'm waiting for it to be fixed. I'm on the fiancees computer right now so I should finish up for now.

Love to all of you!

happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to me. I'm still a dumb fatty. Happy birthday to me.

All I want this birthday is someone I can text who understands. It helps when I'm in an appetite crisis. A serious person from Canada or who can text outside the U.S. Fuck I dont wanna be 20 and fat. At least I know I won't be fat when I turn 21

I need to move out. My mom knowing something is making me so paranoid. I just keep eating ant purging to see if she'll stop acting so suspicous... She hasn't and now I'm fatter. What joy. Its making me so so sick because I hardly eat and when I do I purge it up. Its fucking up my body. J dont know where to move or with who. There's always the fiancée but I still want to wait untill our other friends do so j can see if that works out or not. What do I do??? Plz help

oh no. Oh fucking no. I was having a panick attack last night and my mom was trying to calm me down. She said " I know you've been going through a lot. I know everything even though you think I dont." then she said we're gonna talk today.

I ate today. A lot. A burger and fries for lunch and yam fries for dinner. For some fucked up reason I didnt purge any of it. I worked out reAlly hardcore today twice tho so I hope I'm good. In hoping and praying I'm retaining water cuz I weighed myself ( at the end of the night) and I was 147. Fucked up.

I really NEED a texting buddy. Really badly. Let me know if your interested.

2 day binge

I have to post my shame. Last night I had a fish burger and salad then the fiancée ordered pizza and a mud pie and I ate half of both. The night before that was my birthday dinner and I had baked wpaghetty with meatballs, as well as Brie and garlic on a french roll. Then, of course, cake.

That was my 2 day binge of shame. The shittiest part of it was I JUST hit 142. Lowest weight yet and I just decide to eat like a mainiac. Can someone give me some advice or words of wisdom. What I would really love is for someone to call me fat and disgusting and anything else they can think of. I mean it.