sad

I made 6 batches of cookies today. My intake was 3 and a half cookies and half a glass of milk. I made a ton of cookies to bring to my fiancees place tomorrow for halloween.

The more I think about us the more I know we aren't gonna work out and now I'm more depressed than ever. I'm gonna try to make halloween really fun for both of us. Then I'm gonna see if he has time to talk on sunday. I'm nervous and sad and scared. I'm gonna try not to drink tomorrow too. He doesn't like when I drink. I just feel sooo lost right now. what can I do???

So the lowest I got from the fast was 140. I wanted it to be 139. I think I'm gonna do a series of 2 day fast for the next few weeks. 3 days spikes my anxiety and I almost confessed what I was doing to my mom. It was rediculous.

Day 3 was a success. So tomorrow is just a juice and soup day then friday it will be a light food day. Saturday who freaking knows cuz i'm gonna be drunk lol. Monday I'm gonna see if I can start all over again. I HOPE soooooo much that I'm 139 tomorrow. FINGERS CROSSED

I failed at day 2. I ate dinner and ice cream. Trying again tomorrow.

Luck

Fasting went well yesterday and hopefully today too. I just have to keep busy. I'm gonna have a shower and practice sexy hair for my cowgirl costume. Then I'm gonna go to the mall and get on the wait list for an H1N1 vaccine. Since I have asthma I could apparently actually die if I get it. That would be really...lame. I'll probably bum around there for a bit and scope out places to apply for a job. Wish me luck on all aspects today!

Oh I almost forgot. I'm 141 today :) Can't wait to be out of the 140s and that could be tomorrow!!!!

Yesterday was terrible but I fasted today. I want to fast for another two days and I have a good friend on bored with it. I just showed her what kind of health benefits can come from fasting and she was ready to go. It's nice having a person I know do it with me.

So I'm pretty crushed right now. Last night I absently asked my fiancee "Do you still want to marry me?" and he replied "I don't Want to marry anyone, I just know you want to so I will, I guess" . I just can't marry someone who doesn't want to marry me, and if I know it wont end in marriage there's no point in continuing on. I'm gonna talk to him about this the next time I see him and I really think we're gonna end up breaking up.

It's really easy to not eat when your so so sad.

woah

Yesterday I had 2 mandarin oranges and a granola bar. I used the rest of yesterdays calories on alcohol. That was a mistake. I woke up in the middle of the night in so so so so much pain. I have no idea what it was just my insides are sore. I puked twice this morning and have had like 4 BM's. In that way it's not terrible I guess. I was 142.9 when I was well enough to get on the scale. That was after I had water and a few soda crackers so I might even be less who knows. So I guess yesterday was a success but I don't know how I'm even gonna think about drinking on halloween. It's gonna be a 500 calorie day for me and I was gonna use them all on booze lol but now I see that is a terrible idea. I'll have to think of a new game plan. Suggestions?

start

I just got up its 10 30. I'm gonna have 3 mandarin oranges for breakfast which is about 96 calories. Probably gonna have 2 rice cakes for lunch which is 90 calories which is about 186 calories. So for dinner I have 314 calories to use. Dinner / night time is my hardest time so I think this is a pretty good plan until I start feeling empty again. After that it should be smooth sailing. I don't like letting that feeling go. It's usually some other reason that makes me eat. Parents, Friends, Anxiety- that kind of thing.

I wish my anxiety didn't stand in my way. I get in a really good streak and then I get really dizzy and it sets off my anxiety. A big problem is if I go to counselling for the anxiety I would unintentionally get brain washed into thinking I may be overweight but I have a beautiful soul or some crap. I don't want to think that because I know it isn't true. So for now losing weight and anxiety go hand in hand for me and I hate it.

It's my best friends birthday today. She'll want me to come out and drink but theres no way that's gonna happen. Seeing 145 terrified me. I'm pretty sure the 3 lbs I've been going back and forth on is water weight. It goes up on slightest thing and down in the same way. So I need to get to 141-140. That will be real weight loss. Last week I did see 141. That's when I was doing well. I really wanna hit myself for fucking that up. I could've been 139 like 2 days after that but I got happy and ate instead. I always feel so guilty and out of control when I eat. I don't even taste anything, I just shovel it in. I don't like those bad feelings and there is a really easy way to not have them. DON'T EAT!

I have to clean the house today. My parents have been out of town and it's a bit messy as well as being covered in dog fur and my mom absolutely goes crazy over it so i'll be a good little girl and clean it up. Then I plan on spending the rest of the night in my room. Probably on the computer or reading. I notice when I'm in my room I'm a lot less tempted to eat but when I'm alone I Have to be in the living room- it's weird. A comfortability thing I guess.

Well I'm off to start the day!